On Sauna

I've vented a bit already about a particular sauna pet peeve, but I've got more issues and my mind just won't rest until I have my say. I know that sauna isn't necessarily a mainstream activity here in the US, but that is still no excuse for not knowing some basic sauna protocol.

#1. It's pronounced SOW-na. Not SAW-nuh.

#2. Sauna is supposed to be HOT. Broiling hot. Fry an egg on your forehead hot. I don't even know why they put adjustable temperature controls on the dang things. There should just be one temperature, and that is Welcome To Hades HOT.

#3. If the sauna is turned on and set at "10", DO NOT turn it down to 8 or 5 or (good gravy!) 1. If you can't take the heat, stay out of the sauna! If you are just wanting to "warm up a bit," go sit in your car and turn on the heater.

#4. There is no shame in sitting on the lower benches. I spent most of my time in Finland sitting on the bottom benches, because those Finns can crank that heat up high enough to melt lead.

#4. Sauna is meant to be experienced naked. It's like showering, or getting a massage, or, well . . . other things that were meant to be experienced naked. It's OK to drape a towel over your nether regions, if you truly can't handle the idea of someone knowing that you do, in fact, have a crotch. But going into sauna fully clothed is about as stupid as taking a shower in your gym clothes.

#5. The purpose of sauna is to get REALLY HOT and to totally & completely relax. It is also a great place to shave (you will never get such a close shave!). Sauna is not a good place to do yoga, perform wild stretches, or wash your hair. Take it someplace else.

#6. Speaking of shaving, while it is perfectly acceptable to shave in sauna, it is not OK to rinse your nasty razor in the sauna bucket. Cuz when that water gets thrown on the hot rocks, it will stink the place up worse than if you'd farted. And we all know how LAME that is.

#7. Have I mentioned enough times that sauna is supposed to be HOT? So what do you suppose happens when you keep opening and closing the door, going in and out to get a drink/weigh yourself/chat with friends/cool off? Sure you'll need to slip in & out occasionally. But for the love of Pete, can you try to limit it? And never, I mean NEVER, stand there with the door open. Ever.

#8. One last thing - water. For a true sauna experience, you MUST throw water on the hot rocks. It's the only way to get the heat up high enough to singe the tops of your ears. And you need that bit of steam to moisten the dry air. So don't look at me like I've just pee'd in public if I throw water on the rocks. That's what the bucket is there for!

You're welcome.