Your Honor Student Sells Bumper Stickers!

Earlier today, as I was running errands with my kids, we pulled up to a stop light behind a little gray Toyota Corolla. As I sat there idling, I inadvertantly read the bumper sticker on the back of its trunk. In capital letters, against a shimmering silver background, I read "Go (extremely obscene expletive) YOURSELF".

I immediately made up some excuse to distract my kids into looking behind us - anywhere other than in front of us. And I started singing my Chase-Bad-Thoughts-Away song. ♪♪Jesus loves me, this I know . . . ♪♪ I changed lanes, completely forgot the errand I was on, and headed back home.

What is the deal with bumper stickers? Why in the heck do people befoul a perfectly innocent car with pointless, usually permenant, nearly always stupid stickers?

I understand that my disgust of them may be a bit stronger than that of the average person. I was raised by a father who considered bumper stickers right up there with cross-dressing men and flag burners. As a teenager, I think he would have rather me come home drunk than with a bumper sticker on my car.

But regardless of this ingrained bias, I still can't understand why people slap such stupid things on their cars.

Do I really need to know that you're "Hung Like Einstein And Smart As A Horse"? (And WHY would you want to admit that to every stranger that you drive by!?)

I appreciate that you are politically active, but I hate to break it to you - John Kerry lost in 2004. Go get a razor blade and scrape that garbage off your poor car.

Then there are the passive-aggressive bumper stickers. "My grandchild is cuter than your grandchild" "My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom!" "I have PMS and a gun" If you can't say it to my face, please don't bother telling me about it via your car's backside.

On my little island, nearly everyone seems to have a "Wag More, Bark Less" bumper sticker. I thought this message was sort of cute the first few times I saw it. But now that I can't drive the 1/4 mile to the store without reading it a half dozen times, I'm getting awfully sick of it. Just the sight of that stupid round sticker makes me want to bark more!

Don't get me wrong. There are a few stickers out there that I think are pretty cool. A friend of mine has a simple little sticker on the back of her car that says "26.2". If you finish a marathon, then by golly, slap that bad boy on the back of your car.

I also used to like the oval country code stickers that you see in Europe. It was cool to drive around and see what country various cars were from, sort of like we do in the states with license plates. But once again, the American commercialism machine has gotten ahold of them and prostituted them to the point that they are almost as annoying as the "Wag More" variety. Every little city & town has its initials in a little white oval.

As if I needed to see your "BI" sticker on your car to know that you were from Bainbridge Island. Trust me - your "Wag More, Bark Less" told me all I needed to know.

WOOF!