But dang! That is so much easier said than done. Frankly, I know a heckuva lot more than my twerpy little kids, and it's so much easier for me to just make them do what's right. I often have to remind myself of one of my favorite Latham quotes:
Parents seem determined to try to sneak their children into heaven by depriving them of their right to choose for themselves.
Fortunately, the issue that I was dealing with today had nothing to do with getting or not getting into heaven. No, today it was all about math. Algebra, to be exact.
Jared is in algebra this year. And he's doing really well. He's worked very hard, studies nearly every night, and has managed to maintain an A in the class. I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of him. That's Problem #1. Again, a Latham quote:
When children's behavior becomes the measure of parenting success, the stage is set for an invasion of agency. To assure success, parents begin to - or try to - force their children into behaving well.
Returning to today . . . Jared had an algebra test this afternoon. A big one. I offered to study with him yesterday, but he wasn't really interested. I offered again today. He told me that he had "studied enough." I knew that he hadn't. I wanted SO BAD to pick the battle, start the fight, MAKE him study more. But he was so adament that he didn't need to.
So I walked away. I told him, "I'm here if you need me." And left it at that. Man, sometimes I really hate having to put my money where my mouth is. It's one thing to read the books and agree with the principles. It's a whole other thing to actually follow through with it.
He went to school. He took the test. He didn't do as well as he would have liked (or as well as he is capable of when he studies). In fact, the Consequence of his Choice is that his grade has now dropped to a B.
Did I do the right thing? I don't know. That was a pretty harsh consequence for him. It's going to be really tough for him to get that grade back up.
I'm just thankful that this was a temporal issue. I don't know if I'd have the guts to let one of my kids make the wrong choice on a more spiritual decision. But then again, I have to remind myself of my all-time favorite Latham quote:
There is no such thing as risk-free parenting. Our Father in heaven is a perfect parent. He made no mistakes, and still, many of his children have strayed. . . Our Father gave us the freedom to choose and in so doing, became the model for our parenting.
8 comments:
Steph at "Diapers and Divinity" uses the phrase "Finish your choice". I like that.
As a mom of olders, may I just brief you that you may find yourself 'picking that fight' more than you would like. Sometimes the consequences are much worse than the limited vision of an adolescent whose concept of 'the future' extends to when Cha Cha answers their question about Korean boy bands.
I tell myself, and my kids, that I'm an advocate for their future selves. "Future Jacob will be happy you studied harder for that test." "30 year-old Vanessa will appreciate your re-taking the ACT."
It's such a dance.
Your are such a wonderful writer...you really should write a book, I would buy it!:)
Yeah, that's a hard one for sure. I tend to protect my kids from grade related consequences too much, like when they forget an assignment at home that they worked really hard on, I'll bring it to them at school rather than let them get a zero on it. I check their grades online all the time and nag if there are missing assignments.
Our poor first-borns! I tell Nate frequently that I'm sorry I have to practice on him.
You know, I've been thinking more about the whole Consequences thing. Why do we even bother teaching our kids that their actions have Consequences? When they're grown-ups, they'll realize that "Consequences" are just another scare tactic parents try to use. It doesn't matter what lifestyle they live. No one will dare make disparaging comments about it because that would be inhibiting their freedoms. It doesn't matter if they make poor financial choices. They won't have to worry about bankruptcy because obviously it's too difficult for people to handle so they'll be bailed-out. Get pregnant or get your girlfriend pregnant before you're married? No problem, that's an easy one to get out of. And on and on...
UGH!
Ok, I'm gonna have to find that book. I've been really bugged since Parent-teacher conf on Monday night. The "concern" Nicole's teacher had was that she was "too good". She never acts out, even when the class loses recess time and she wasn't part of the reason they did...her teacher says she never complains. She never goofs off. She ALWAYS does what she's supposed to...and apparently this is a BAD thing! At the time I was feeling like he was telling me I was a horrible mother and that she was unhappy because she should WANT to be a part of all the trouble. That she's not "taking risks" as he put it. That maybe it's my fault and that I expect too much from her... Then I thought of her dad. Jason is the EXACT same way. He just does what he's supposed to do and THAT'S what makes him happy.
Sorry, this is a long post with me venting. I would like to find this book you're talking about. It sounds like something I need!
Must we let them grow up?
Babies need us to make all the choices and do everything for them.
Is it so bad to want a house full of babies... Oh yea, at 4 AM that is bad.
I think you did the right thing. When he is in H.S. and you ask him again, hopefully we will have learned from this and you can then gently remind him by asking "Are you sure you studied enough?" You are a good mother!!
love the last quote. Jared is a great kid. I know he will learn from this! your a great mom, i learn a lot from your blog.
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