I love to be alone. I enjoy being by myself, with no other human being in sight, for either long or short periods of time. Silence is one of my favorite sounds, and the quiet conversations that I have in my own head can keep me entertained for hours.
But I hate feeling lonely. I hate "having a feeling of sadness resulting from the consciousness of being alone" (Webster). Curiously, I can't remember a single time when I was actually alone - meaning lacking companions - and I felt lonely. Nor do I feel lonely when I am in a large group of complete strangers and no one is talking to me.
I only seem to suffer feelings of loneliness when I am with people whom I know, people that I would typically expect to converse with, and yet we aren't conversing. I have felt lonely at church, surrounded by those whom I consider close friends. I remember feeling strong pains of loneliness at school, with mates that I had known since kindergarten. I have even felt lonely sitting at my own dinner table, or on a road trip with my family.
"Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate"
Never fear! I am not, by nature, a sad or depressed person. My life is far too full and blessed for that. I just like selecting a thought and analyzing it to death (this will be met with nods from my mom & husband). I'll end my thoughts on loneliness with my favorite quote on the subject:
"Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good."
2 comments:
I know what you mean -- I think (I'm pretty tired right now). Living, as I do, with constant noise, I truly treasure peace and quiet.
I also tend to feel lost, though, when it comes to trying to communicate with others. I keep feeling as if I am lost in some gray space between groups, or as if I accidentally ended up on a different planet from everyne else.... Go figure.
I feel just as you do, Brooke. I'm never more lonely than I am in the midst of a great many people ... with whom I just can't quite connect.
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